Stop hitting me, Please!!

I remember one Saturday in the wee hours of the morning, being awaken by a fist pounding my feet and my legs. I jumped up out of my sleep thinking I was having an insane nightmare. As I finally came to, I realized that I was living in a shitty reality, as my ex-husband (we will refer to him as X) continues to pound my legs with such rage and anger! “You fucking whore bitch,” “You snake ass snake.” I sat up in the bed absolutely confused about what was going on. Prior to this happening X decided to go out with his friends and apparently someone pissed him off, so he decided that it was my fault although, I was home asleep having to be up at 5:30 a.m. for work. I started yelling for him to please stop as he is began to walk around from the foot of the bed to the head of the bed where I sat in shock. I can still remember my heart pounding with such fear and anxiety, not knowing if this time would be it, will this be my last breath. X begins to choke me while yelling and screaming, “You set me up!” “Just like them shady ass niggas.” I tried with everything in me to get him off my neck, but his strength was so over powering that all I could do was kick and attempt to reserve the little oxygen that I was getting at that moment.

Have you ever seen Satan in pictures or movies? Well this night I saw his face in the flesh and it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life! X’s eyes were reddened and glazed over, sweat dripping from his pores, the smell of tequila reeking from his breath, and little horns on his head (I can never be convinced otherwise). I continued to pray just asking God to deliver me from that moment. At one point everything around me began to fade away and all I could hear was, “Dumb nigger bitch,” “Your stuck bitch, nobody gonna want your ass and you have a baby.” X starts laughing psychotically as he loosens the grip around my neck, “Yeeeeeaaaah bitch you stuck with me now with yo snake ass.” Insane as it may sound, even through all the terror and emotional upset, I was still trying to process how a night out of pool with the fellas resulted in me being the blame.  

I continued to uncontrollably cry and shake because I didn’t know what else would transpire in that moment. He walks over to the closet and pulls out his shot gun, threatening that he should just end my life because I wasn’t shit. I attempted to run out of the room and he some how managed to grab me by my hair throwing me onto the floor. He says, “You are just like everybody else, always hating on me,” “Jealous ass pussy motherfucker.” I continued to plead my case like a fool trying to figure out what the hell was going on. What could I have possibly done in my sleep!

He proceeds to walk outside with his shot gun, so I ran to my daughters’ room and locked the door. I hear him outside letting off rounds and yelling but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I sat there on the floor praying someone would call the police because I felt too scared to even dial the number, feeling like I might be killed before they even arrived. He eventually comes into the house and I can hear him stumbling into the wall, I sat quietly hoping that he would eventually pass out…and that he did.

I stayed on the floor confessing to God, Jesus, Angels, Spirits, Prophets; hell, I didn’t know who to call on! I finally got myself to calm down. I remember my prayer like it was yesterday (it was eleven years ago). I asked GOD to please deliver me from this situation. I didn’t specify how, I just remember saying that if he gave me a way out, I would never look back. In that same breath I asked him to send me a man that would love me, allow me to be my true self, a man that would love my daughter like his own, a good provider, and a person that could constructively control their emotions. I know it seems crazy to be thinking about another man at the time, but I knew early on in my life that I was meant to be a wife, just not to the person I was with.

Why didn’t I just leave…what was holding me back because this was not the first occurrence of such behavior. Being transparent, I was just so embarrassed and fearful of how miserable he would make life for me and my baby girl. Do you want to hear something so disappointing? Full disclosure, I was warned upfront about red flags and previous abusive behaviors by HIS mother, sister, my mother and a few of my friends whom I am forever grateful for. I used to give the excuse that I was very young when I met him, and he was so much older that I allowed him to take over my mind. The real deal is, I have always been a fixer. I want to see the best in everyone and if there are downfalls, I want to nurture them to a better space. I kept convincing myself that I could fix all the bad things that he had experienced in his life and make him such a better person…it was just going to take some time.

Ladies! That is such a bullshit excuse! We can’t love someone out of their insecurities or past upbringing. An unstable man or woman requires professional help and not a crutch, and that is exactly what I was. No one should EVER put their hands on you, regardless of what is happening in the moment. I allowed myself to suffer through so many nights of fear, anxiety, and frustration because I needed everyone to think that I had it all together and my family was doing just fine.

Fast forward to the present…with the help of numerous resources, family & friends (we will discuss in part II), I could give a fuck what people think of me, if I need help, I am waving my surrender flag and reaching out to anyone that will listen. Imagine staying in a situation that is painful and out right disgusting because of fear of how people will see you! I scratch my head at the thought now, because if you are not trying to help in uplifting me, then how you view me, and my life doesn’t mean shit!!!  

I leave you with this until Part II…There is NO EXCUSE for someone to physically, emotionally or mentally abuse you! I don’t care how much you think you love that person or how you think people may judge you, GET OUT! There are so many resources available if you don’t have support around you that will help to get you out of that toxic relationship. I will not falsely proclaim that leaving is an easy move to make because it does come with frustrations and discomfort, but nothing compared to having a fist or hand across your face. QUEEN you are something POWERFUL!!! You will no longer allow any human to take that from you, listen to me…there is a much better life awaiting you BEAUTIFUL!

Love,

M