Here today…Gone tomorrow.

“There were shots coming from by your brothers house, now the ambulance is there.” “Re-Re I don’t know all the details, but Josh has been shot and being air lifted to Vanderbilt,” “Josh was gun downed in his yard, we are headed to the hospital now, keep you posted.”  The anxiety racing through my spirit, the panic because of not knowing, the what ifs! How the fuck am I supposed to process this and keep my shit together for my family?

I remember it like it was yesterday getting that disturbing call from my childhood friend and my nephews mother….life will never be the same.

Finally, I am on the phone with the ONE person who can give me the details after he made it to the hospital: the surgeon. I want wholeheartedly to share the entire conversation as I write but the only thing I remember is….I’m sorry Maria but Joshua didn’t make it.

What does that mean didn’t make it???? How is this conversation even possible, I have to be in the worst nightmare I have ever had. My baby brother…gone…no more phone calls…no more flights to VA…no more late-night reminiscing on mommas crazy comments…no more telling me that the music I am telling him to listen too is old as hell. Yup, this is a nightmare and for sure I will wake up at some point…. anytime now….but it never happened. In that moment I was questioning everything about all my beliefs; the Universe, kharma, the bullshit about being a good person and good will come to you! I immediately lost faith in every scripture, positive quote, and spiritual practice I had learned.

Let me tell you guys something, my brother was one of the most charismatic, funny, energetic and laid back people you have ever met and that is not a bias statement. I have so many memories of him but the one that plays in my head often are the times my phone would ring at 2 or 3 in the morning and when I pick up he would say “Sissssssss” and just burst out laughing and I already knew he was tipsy on that Remy! I would go and sit on the side of my garden tub and he would say have a drink with me. I would get my wine and we would just talk about a female(s) he was dating and laughing about Elaine and all the crazy shit she use to say. He would vent to me and tell me how hard it was to be without our mom, that we don’t understand his hurt because living in her house was a constant reminder that she was gone. We would confide in each about the hurt and pain and how some of our attempts of coping were epic fails.

I would never diminish the pain of how anyone feels when it comes to death but what I can say is murder hits your spirit so differently. It feels like someone is taking a knife and stabbing you slowly on repeat. The panic you feel hearing final confirmation, the tears even hit different. I have suffered a lot of trauma in this life but I have never experienced this type of anguish, it consumes your thoughts like nothing other.

In one day a group of low lives decided that they were so insecure about their status in life that they would try to make an “example” out of my brother. So, they make a plan to follow him all day, communicating intermittently about his whereabouts and wanted to attack when he was alone. He had a plan that night to go home and meet up with his lady “friend.” He pulls into the drive way none the wiser that there are multiple people awaiting in hiding to ambush him. I can’t discuss all of the details but multiple shots fired! He laid there in the driveway unable to speak, in shock, and confused. As he laid there, his friend was able to hold pressure to his abdomen and call 911; for that I remain grateful. He was air lifted to Vanderbilt hospital where he made it through his surgery…but not much longer after that.

I share all of this with you because DEATH hurts! We don’t always know what to say, how to feel, who to confide in, or even understand the random outburst of tears and anger that surface. I was always taught during these times just pray and trust GOD. I am not trying to be an ass but the LAST thing I am thinking about when my brother is gunned down like he was nothing is praying!! Am I wrong for that, maybe but guess what…its REAL! I acknowledge that we all have to leave this realm at some point but did my little brother deserve to be gunned down like an animal in the wild being hunted. I am not a professional therapist but what I can tell you is it’s okay to scream, its okay to feel pain, it’s okay to have questions, it’s okay to cry because it hurts. There are days that I literally have to talk myself off the ledge of a mental breakdown because I still hurt so badly! I remember at one point feeling like I wanted to just die myself just to not have to experience this pain. You know that type of cry where you just sob uncontrollably, and it feels like the stream will never come to an end? I sob so much on a weekly basis that I feel at some point I will have to run out of tears right, it’s been almost 2 years and the pain hasn’t gotten any better.  It is a very tough thing to get out of my head sometimes, I fear not being busy and moving around because the moment things around me get quiet my brain goes into think mode and there goes those thoughts resurfacing. Heaven forbid my husband wants to hug me and console me….break down in full effect so I try to avoid those loving bear hugs.

I want to leave you with this. Death of someone you love is never an easy thing to have to deal with. The best advice I could possibly give and I can’t believe I am saying this out loud. If you need to talk about it, DO IT! If you have that support of people you trust and genuinely have your best interest at heart don’t be ashamed, don’t feel like a burden, don’t feel like you will be judged. I am definitely working on taking my own advice because this is not something you can heal from alone. This shit hurts like a BITCH!!!! It takes love, support and a listening ear to help you on this healing journey no matter what stage in the grieving process you are.

You deserve to HEAL….you owe that to yourself!

Peace