Enough is Enough

One would think that being struck by your significant other one time would make a person run for the hills but apparently it took me 8 years to decide that enough was enough.

I had just wrapped up Nursing School and my friend and I wanted to throw this graduation party. We were both so thrilled and eager to celebrate with our friends. We booked a hotel at the Turtle Kay in Virginia Beach. My ex-husband and I were roomed on one side of the suite with my friend across the way in her room. The night was going great, energy was good, and all the guests had arrived. It was so nice. Everyone was laughing, drinking, and really enjoying themselves. As one of the hostesses of the party, I made it a point to walk around and mingle with everyone. As I scanned the room, I noticed he was starring at me with this mean-spirited smirk on his face. I didn’t know what it was about at that moment, but I do know that in my spirit I could feel that something crazy was brewing in his head.

As the night grew later and the food was getting low, I started to re-up on everything. I asked one of my male classmates to help me with the ice (why did I do that)! So, the ex comes to where we are and starts whispering in my ear, “I know you are fucking him!” I had to chuckle because that thought had never even crossed my mind. I decided I was just going to walk away. He then proceeds to follow me around the whole time mocking everything that I said and being utterly obnoxious! After about 20 minutes of the obvious taunting and mockery, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the bedroom bathroom. I can’t clearly remember everything that was said but what I do remember is being grabbed up by the face and being slammed into the bathroom mirror and then my head slammed onto the bathroom floor. I tried to get up, but everything was so blurry and every time I tried to move the room would spin faster. As I struggled to get myself up, he grabs me by the neck and was on top of me yelling, “I know you fucked him, you fucking whore,” “You trying to play me like I’m stupid but I caught you.” I am gasping for air trying to explain this made up theory in his mind, but I couldn’t speak in sentences because he kept squeezing my neck tighter. What I do remember is thinking that I was going to die right in that hotel bathroom and called to the heavens to just take care of my baby girl. I blacked out for some time and when I came to, I was being slapped in the face with him yelling, “Wake up bitch! Stop faking!” He grabs me up by my hair throws me into the bed, ripping the hotel phone out of the wall. I tried kicking him and I ran for the door but not fast enough because he grabbed my hair again slamming me onto the floor.

One of my friends knocked on the door and asked for their coat. I am looking through the door making eye contact with her desperate for her to rescue me by calling the police or something but that never happened. I think the worst of it all oddly enough is when he threw me onto the bed attempting to get my clothes off and I struggled so hard to keep him from being able to rip my dress off. When I kept fighting and yelling that this is rape, he became more aggressive saying, “I am your husband I can fuck you whenever I want.” I started crying harder pleading with him not to do this and how nauseated I was at the thought of him and intimacy. He rips my dress and starts to pull his pants down, but I keep kicking and struggling trying to make it too difficult to penetrate! As soon as he realized I was not letting up, he spits in my face and says, “I hate you! You ain’t shit to me!”

Through all of this I am thinking where is everyone?!?! Someone for sure has called the police by now, it can’t be much longer that I have to go through this. NO ONE EVER CALLED!!! (I was told that the significant others commented that it was a marital issue and they shouldn’t get involved). There was a knock at the door, and he cracked it asking what did they want and 2 of the guys from the party said they were just checking on us and they look at me disheveled and upset. My ex flashes his pistol saying, “Yeah we are good.” “Is there a problem?” They commented “No” and walked away. I was locked in that hotel room for hours being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. No phone, no way of getting help just praying that he would pass out or just leave!

After 3 hours of threats, being taunted, and having a gun put to my face, it finally came to an end. He was so wasted (I later found out he bought narcotics from someone at the party) by this point I think his energy wouldn’t allow for him to attack me anymore. He asked me if I wanted to be with him and it took me what seemed like 10 minutes to say “No.” I knew that I didn’t want to be but I also knew that my answer could create another 3 hours of drama. He says to me, “You ain’t shit and nobody will ever want you” “I am the only person that will put up with yo bitch ass.” He takes the gun, my car keys, and his things and leaves the hotel.  I run to make sure the door is locked, and I go into the living room area where my friend is just sitting there and all the guest are gone. It hits me that he may attempt to pick up my daughter in an effort to get me back to our house. I frantically call the sitter knowing how late it was but I needed her to reassure me she would not let him take my child and that he already took my car keys and I would be working on a way to pick her up. I am not sure how but he persuaded her to let him pick her up and that he would turn over my car keys (which he did give her keys but they were not my car keys!)

The sun is finally up, and I am still trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do! I have no money, I don’t start my nursing job for another 2 weeks, no family in the area…I am FUCKED! I immediately switched into warrior mode and all fear went out of the window. My friend had a male companion that offered to drive me to my house. When we pulled up I told them that if I was not out in 10 minutes to call the police. When I get inside the house, I see my precious baby girl and run over to her, picked her up and was determined not to let her go. I tried grabbing whatever I could hold in my hands that she would need. I am scanning the house for my keys and he is begging me not to leave and that it would never happen again (hhhhhmmm how may times have I heard that before). I start to walk towards the back door, and he grabs his shot gun saying, “Well if I kill your dumb ass then you can’t walk out.” At this point I was ready to risk everything to just run through that door. I responded by saying, “Do what you have to do.” As I walk to the door, he gets on the floor grabbing my leg pleading me not to leave. I struggled with getting to the door trying to carry my daughter, her clothes, and his body weight. I finally get to the door and looked down and declared it was OVER! When the sun hit my face, I immediately cried from fear, happiness, confusion, and loneliness.

At this time I find myself homeless with a toddler, $60, and no idea what I was going to do. My friend did offer to let me crash at her place until I figured things out. I did crash for a while but it was so uncomfortable to live in a 2 bedroom apartment with her man and her 3 kids but what choice did I have at the moment…I left everything behind! I was left now to bunk with kids and live inside of my head trying to figure out how my life shifted so drastically in the matter of 1 evening.

Time to fast forward 2 months……I finally found a place, but I would only live upstairs because I was fearful he would find us and attempt to break in. Unfortunately, the 1 place I could afford and really was dead set on living she didn’t have anything to offer me upstairs. My friend tried to console me and be positive but I felt so defeated☹ We were about 10 mins down the road when my phone rang and the lady from the rental office was on the other end…”Maria,  I have something for you. My tenants who paid for an upstairs are willing to take a downstairs!” I almost hung up on her from excitement, we made a huge illegal turn and I went back to secure my place!

Once it was time to move in, I literally had nothing!! My friend gave me some blankets and few toiletries, but it was me, my child, and an empty apartment but you know what I gained that day… Peace of mind and FREEDOM! It took me about 6 months to get furniture and a bed to sleep on, but I didn’t care at all, it was my space and I wasn’t being tormented.

Please hear me loud and clear…it took years of therapy (which I was reluctant to do), support from my mother, and months of stalking from my ex (harassing phone calls, following me, and hiding in bushes) for me to enter a state of normal functioning!  It’s crazy because over the years when I have shared my story, I get similar responses “You seem to always have it together, I would have never known.” “Wow! You seem like such a strong person. I couldn’t see that happening to you.”

ANYONE can be the victim of domestic violence. Anyone can find themselves in a situation where it begins with what seems to be love but by the time things begin to spin out of control, the abuser has already taken over your mind, and you find yourself always making excuses or telling yourself you will be the one to change them. I will tell you the worst feeling in my 35 years of life was the day I stood in the mirror and I could not recognize myself. I had completely changed all my likes, dress attire, religion, demeanor, and other personality traits to suite my ex-husband because I conjured up in my mind that if I molded myself to all of his likes then it would make the marriage easier and put an end to the abusive behavior.

My final thoughts…you are WORTHY, you are CAPABLE, and you are LOVED! There is not one person on this earth that is worth you losing your pride, self-esteem, finances, or your life! Please make note of this in your memory bank…Red flags are REAL and should never be ignored, if you see them trust yourself enough to let it go before it starts. If you are already in that messy situation…find your person; the one who will have your back no matter what and ask for help. If that person doesn’t exist trust me, you have options outside of that abusive situation, get out before life is no longer an option! I will not falsely profess that the transition is easy because it is a shitty ass transition and beyond uncomfortable! The best part is, it does not last forever, and you regain your mind and your soul😊

You guys… I do not consider myself a victim because I refuse to allow that control to still linger in my life…I am a SURVIVOR!

Thank you to my 2 friends I met while in the military (Sasha & Jacinta), my mom, sister, his mother, and his sister for warning me and trying to get me to see the light but I wasn’t ready. I hope you have forgiven me for shutting you out when you were only trying to help.

PEACE